Guys, great news. I’m going to win the $400 million Powerball jackpot tonight, so that’s pretty lucky. I told our exciting news to Jason. Luckily, he’s just as pumped as I am. We discussed our plan for our winnings.
Me: Well, obviously we’ll have to give the baby up for adoption, because we did not plan on being BOTH Powerball winners AND parents to a newborn. We don’t really want to be tied down, do we? Someone will love her, probably.
Jay: No, no, no. We don’t have to do that. We’ll be able to afford a nanny.
Me: I’m listening.
Jay: Yeah, we’ll get a nanny …
Me: And build her small, yet refined, living quarters. She’ll have a modest studio apartment, complete with a dinette…
Jay: … we’ll get a foreigner and chain her in the basement.
Me: I feel as though, and I may be wrong here, that if we’re rich, we don’t really need to FORCE anyone to care for our child. We could just compensate them.
Jay: No, no, no. We’ll do the thing that’s like slavery, but not slavery.
Me: Indentured servitude?
Jay: Exactly that.
Me: Hmmm I feel like if we’re going to go this nanny route, we should really NOT imprison her. Also, I don’t want a foreigner caring for my child. I want a nice American gal. And she’ll come on our travels with us …
Jay: Yeah, so you can still lay on the beach and drink and stuff.
Me: Exactly. But even if we were rich, I’d still want to watch my programs at night. So, when I’m done jet-setting for the day, I can take her from the nanny and cuddle her for thirty minutes while I watch a show! You’re RIGHT! We DON’T have to sell her. That’s good.
….. an hour later, while we’re in bed, both of us on our phones …
Me: You know, even if you’re very rich, I bet that most celebrity couples do this at bedtime. Like, right now I bet Jay-Z and Bey are just in their beds, checking their phones. Also, if you’re very very rich, but you’re thirsty in the middle of the night, you still have to get your own drink.
Me: But I bet Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bed was made by virgins, in Tawain.
Jay: What does that even mean?
Me: I’m not sure. And actually, I’m not positive that I know where Taiwan is. Like, if someone were to give me three guesses and a million dollars if I guessed right, I’m not positive I could do that. That’s a bummer.
Then, Jason claimed that he knew where ALL the countries were. I promptly googled a map of the world and named off countries. Guys, he was pretty spot on in locating them. I’m married to a genius.