For the last few months, I’ve been on an “I want a juicer” kick. I DON’T want to go on a juice fast, but thought it would be a great idea to supplement a healthy diet with a few glasses of fresh juice a day. I am NOT a very healthy eater. I am extremely picky. Lettuce is my favorite vegetable, so that should tell you something about my vitamin intake. If I can smoosh spinach in between some apples and pears and drink it, then I can trick myself into eating vegetables. You know — the same way you would a child.
The problem with juicers is that they are approximately one bajilliony dollars. I’m admittedly pretty flaky when it comes to health trends, so I didn’t want to waste that much potential nail polish money on something I may only use for a week.
Last week, The Husband and I made a random trip to a random Walmart. As we walked past the clearance aisle, he happened to see a juicer and pointed it out to me. It’s important to note that he was very much against buying a juicer because of my previously pointed out flakiness and the expense. We took a peak and noticed this was a $70 GE juicer on sale for $18. A quick iPhone Google search (Thanks, technology. What did people do twenty years ago? So many people probably wasted so many monies on garbage juicers.) showed me that this particular juicer had over 200 reviews and came in at 4 out of 5 stars. Good enough for me!
Yesterday, we took the juicer out of the box and put the Kitchen Aid Mixer away (I can’t be tempted to make cookies.) Jason was surprised at how easy the juicer was to set up and take apart. There are only three pieces. Snap, snap, snap and you’re set to go. There are only 3 power options – on/off, soft fruit (with a picture of a strawberry) and hard fruit (apple). He decided that he was wrong and the juicer WAS a good investment. He’s going to use it, too! Because it is so.damn.easy.
He showed me a few times what to do, and asked if I understood. Um, yes. Of course I did. It took you four seconds to put it together, and then you twist exactly one nob to A PICTURE OF A FRUIT. I can handle it. Does he not know I was in National Honor Society? Yes, you can throw that waste-of-paper instruction manual away, husband. Stop repeating the instructions. Stop showing me what to do! I’VE GOT IT. STOP PATRONIZING ME. I’M NOT STUPID.
Fast forward to this morning: I got up ten minutes early, excited to start my healthy, new lifestyle! I went into the kitchen and immediately realized I was in trouble when I had a hard time using the apple corer to, you know, core and slice my apple. After ten minutes of twisting and pushing the THREE parts of the juicer together, I decided that maybe it sort of resembled what we had going on yesterday. I put my glass under the spout, put half my apple in, turned it on…
And watched the apple explode all over the kitchen wall.
Guys, turns out I didn’t really know how to put it together.
I shut it off, spent the next ten minutes cleaning up my mess, drinking the six sips of juice I made, trying to take apart the machine and cleaning it. I was also late for work.
I should have known better. Obviously, he did.