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Category Archives: Motherhood

The Husband and I were lucky. Before the little lady was born, we pretty much had the whole parenting thing figured out. We knew just where we stood on certain platforms, and, luckily, we had near identical parenting philosophies.

For instance, we knew that we didn’t want to give Amelia a pacifier/binky. While it’s fine for an infant, we both cringe when we see toddlers running around with one in their mouth.

We knew that we would not be co-sleepers. For starters, I’m super paranoid about everything. I was positive I’d smoosh her in my sleep and she’d be dead before we had a toddler running around who didn’t need a binky in her mouth.

We knew that parenting responsibilities would be split 50/50. Being the mom doesn’t mean that every problem should be automatically defaulted to me.

We were only going to give her medication when it was *absolutely* necessary.

Limited screen time. What business does an infant have watching tv?

Then Amelia was born.

And we were going on three days of no sleep. And she was crying. And we had a bunch of binkies from the baby shower. So we’d try it, just that once. Six months later:

"Gurl, I knooooow you're not trying to take away my binkbink and turn off my programs."

“Gurl, I knooooow you’re not trying to take away my binkbink and turn off my programs.”

Amelia goes to sleep every night in her crib. But guess what. Sometimes, she wakes up at 4 am. A sure-fire way to keep her awake? Take her downstairs or let her fool around in her crib. A sure-fire way to ensure she falls back to sleep in minutes, thus allowing us to get a couple extra hours of shut eye? Bring her in our bed and let her cozy up on my chest.

WE want to split parenting responsibilities 50/50. But, it turns out that Amelia didn’t get the memo, because, guess what. While she loooooooves her da, I’m Mom. She’s having trouble falling asleep? Only Mom can rock her. She’s grouchy she’s stuck in the car seat? Mom better reach back and hold her hand for a minute. She wakes up in the middle of the night? Well, if we want to have a midnight crinkle toy party (sounds filthy; is actually very innocent), dad is her man. But if we DON’T want her to get hyped up and we DO need her to go back to sleep? Better bring in mama. She’s not feeling well or she’s teething? Hope Mom doesn’t have plans for the next bajillion hours, because Amelia needs to be cuddled, played with and attended to and only the person who owns her previous place of residence will do.

Oh and speaking of medicine? Turns out that babies are hurting all the time. I suppose that’s what happens when teeth are slowly, slooooowlllyyy trying to rip apart your gums and make an appearance. So am I going to let my kid be in pain so I can stand on my high horse and not medicate her? Nope. Grab the Tylenol.

And in regards to screen time – Our daughter is IN LOVE with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. If MMCH was a person, she’d marry it. (Boy or girl – in the state of NY, that’s legal. And we tell her we’ll be fine either way.) Also, this picture is a pretty solid indicator of what she does whenever she sees a phone near her.

amelia phone

So, turns out you can read all the books do all the planning and committing to philosophies that you’d like, but when it’s 4 in the morning and you’ve already been up twice AND you have a meeting at 9 am, you’re popping in that binky and bringing the kid into your room.

crazy new momBefore having the baby, I was what some would call a “worry-wart.” And what my husband would call “bat-sh*t crazy neurotic.” Every day, I’m positive someone will die. I spend a lot of time making sure our pets are still breathing. They haven’t begged for food or got up to pee in an hour or so? Better call the vet. Something is definitely up.

Being a mother is pretty horrifying. Every day, your goal is to make sure that you don’t let your kid die. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell, right? That’s a lot of pressure. So, how do I know if I’m doing my job? Sure, she’s still breathing, but will she continue breathing for long?

Enter my Google search history. It’s the search history of a maniac. An utter maniac. I Google everything. Some legit, real, live, no exaggeration searches I have performed in the last month:

  • Can my baby breathe?
  • Is my baby going to suffocate?
  • Blankets on a newborn
  • Newborn poop
  • Yellow newborn poop
  • Watery newborn poop
  • Is my newborn latching correctly?
  • Poor latch examples
  • Can I drink coffee while breastfeeding?
  • How much coffee can you drink while breastfeeding?
  • How long should my baby breastfeed?
  • Is my newborn getting enough milk
  • Am I giving my newborn too much milk?
  • Cradle cap
  • Worries about foremilk
  • normal newborn poop color
  • how often does a one month old sleep
  • Is my baby sleeping too much
  • Is my newborn sleeping too little
  • Newborn gas
  • General Hospital recasting Jason (gots to stay up to date on my stories)
  • When can I take my baby out into public
  • Newborn spitting bubbles
  • How to help my baby fart
  • Why is my baby sticking out her tongue
  • Why is my newborn wheezing
  • Noises baby makes when breastfeeding correctly
  • noises babies make

new momYou get the idea. Pretty much, if Amelia blinks too much, I Google it. If I feel like she’s blinking less than she did one hour ago, I Google that.

I’d like to think that I’ll calm down on the Googling her certain impending death in the near future, but I’m sure the terms will just change to things like “death stats of children riding tricycles” and “Can a 9-year-old chew gum or will they choke?”

I think that when they discharge a new mom and her baby from the hospital, they should give the mom a prescription for Xanax.