I’ve been pretty neglectful of Five Things Friday. FTF, it’s not you. It’s me. I’ve been lazy about taking baby bump pictures and doing a weekly update on Thursday morning, like I planned. So that gets bumped to Friday and then there’s just no time for FTF love. My apologies. But you got me back today (bc I’m now neglecting my baby update, and, essential, my fetus. See how that works?)
Five Fictional Characters I Crush(ed) On But Shouldn’t
August aka Pinocchio – Once Upon a Time
He’s literally a boy made out of wood. But I don’t care. When he’s all human, August is haaawwwt. When he first comes on the scene, he’s all mysterious and stuff, with his secret typewriter and the stealing of Henry’s fairy tale book. And his back story shows us that he was quite the swindler and thief (August was DEFINITELY not selfless brave and true. He liked expensive things and fine women.) And when the spell is broken, he turns back into a man of wood. But even then, he’s STILL hot. His gruffy voice, maybe? But he does some good stuff (I’m a great writer) and turns back into a real, little boy. So now, I only have my memories. Because I can’t crush on a kid. (See #2)
Yeah, he’s a cartoon. And a child. Aaaaand an animal. But he sings! And he’s brave! And adventurous. He even knows how to pilot a hot air balloon. Like, what else do you even NEED?!
Luke Brower – Growing Pains
“Heather, who the HECK is Luke Brower?!” you’re asking me. I guess you forgot about a little show called Growing Pains. Luke is the teenager in Mike’s class who is homeless. He’s troubled, no doubt. I mean, he WAS found by Mike Seaver, living in a car. (I think that is accurate information, but apparently Google doesn’t remember much about Luke Brower, either.) His mom deserted him (Or went to jail? Died?) He was sarcastic and hard on the edges, but that was just a defense mechanism! He had to toughen up to survive the streets. He moved in with the Seavers and turned into a great kid. Then his dad, a trucker, came back to town and claimed him and the end. Also – HE WAS PLAYED BY LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
So, yeeeeeaaah we’re back to cartoons. That’s fine. If you were born between the years 1985-1990 and you tell me that you didn’t have a crush on Aladdin, I’d call you a liar right to your face. First of all, let’s all stop to remember that the person who voiced Aladdin was Steve, DJ’s boyfriend from Full House. And if you were born between the years 1985-1990 and you tell me you didn’t have a crush on Steve from Full House, I’d call you a liar right to your face. Aladdin is the most charming of all the princes. Way more charming than Prince Charming (Who, coincidentally, isn’t that charming. At least not in the Disney movie.) Was Jasmine pretty sure he was trying to pull a fast one over her? Yup. Did she still go on a magic carpet ride with him? Heck yeah. Did Aladdin give bread to two starving children instead of eating it himself when he was also starving? Yup. Did Aladdin selflessly give up his last wish in order to wish Genie free? He did indeed. Aladdin is a damn good dude.
Guys – he’s a serial killer. Legit kidnaps people, strips them down, straps them to a table covered in plastic, stabs them, chops up their body parts and then disposes of said parts in a bay in the middle of the night. So, I feel like it’s wrong to love him. But if lovin’ him is wrong …. you know the rest. He’s so charming, in the anti-charming, anti-hero sort of way. Plus, he only kills bad guys, so that works out pretty good, ’cause of my fear of bad guys and all. Also, his face at the end of the opening credits, amirite ladies?
Who’s your “I sooo shouldn’t crush on him but I totally do” character?
I’m not sure where you’re reading this from, but I hope it’s somewhere where the weather ISN’T 48* and rainy on May 24th. WTF Mother Nature?! Obviously you’ve got some stuff going on and I get that. But didn’t anyone ever tell you not to bring your personal problems into your work life? Don’t take it out on us. Damn!
It’s supposed to unofficially become summer this weekend. We’re going to celebrate Five Things Friday by discussing the songs that come on the radio and immediately cause me to roll my windows down, crank the stereo up and belt out lyrics like I’m Whitney Houston. (You know. Alive Whitney Houston. Also, sober Whitney Houston. You get it. The point is that I think I’m a fantastic singer, especially great in the car, and I’m sometimes astonished that I’ve never come across a record agent in the car next to me at a red light who is listening to me sing and says to himself “Self, we need to SIGN that girl!”)
Five Things Friday – Songs That Are My Jam
Hit Me Baby (One More Time) – Britney Spears
Were you a teenage girl in the late 90s? Great. Then you feel me. I’m pretty confident that you also can not contain yourself when this song comes on. I’m going to also go ahead and assume that you try your best to simultaneously drive AND do the choreographed moves from the music video, which you learned by watching TRL every day after school.
When American Idol was about to premiere, I didn’t need to know anything other than the fact that Paula Abdul was going to be a judge. That was enough. Paula Abdul was my first cassette tape (“Forever Your Girl) and man, did I wear that out. As media transitioned from tapes to cds, she was misplaced for a few years, until I discovered it in a closet when I was 16. Luckily for me (and my sister and brother), our car ONLY had a tape deck, so we were able to listen to it as we drove to school my junior and senior year every.single.day. I also have fond memories of singing the “rap” part with my high school bestie, Crystal, as we cruised around town in the MV. (That’s what we called her mom’s minivan. If that doesn’t prove how cool we were, I don’t know what does.)
Wannabe – Spice Girls
If you hear this song on the radio and change it, we can’t be friends. Also, I can only be friends with someone who at least TRIES to get all of the following words right: So, here’s a story from A to Z. You want to get with me? You gotta listen carefully. We got Em in the place who likes it in your face. We got G, like MC, who likes it on an easy. V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady. And as for me, haha, you’ll see. Slam your body down and wind it all around.
Readers, I’m now going to ask for a collective “ziga zig ahh”.
I’ll Make Love To You – Boyz II Men
Because this song makes you think that you’re just as sexy as John Krasinski is when you sing it. (FF to 7:02)
Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
This is my ultimate jam. Whenever I hear it, I am filled with feelings of nostalgia. It reminds me of that one time it came on in a piano bar in Las Vegas and I screamed to Jason’s brother, “I F*#$ING LOOOOVE JOURNEY!” There was that one time we were leaving Bombers after celebrating my sister’s birthday, and it came on the radio right as my sister answered a phone call from my mom and I screamed near the phone “I F*#$ING LOOOOVE JOURNEY!”
Then, there was that one time it came on towards the end of our wedding and I screamed across the room to my new husband, “JASON! I LOVE JOURNEY!” (Screaming that you love Journey is a pre-requisite to singing Journey. I bet you didn’t know that. You’ve been doing it wrong for years!) He came running over to me and somehow, our entire wedding party (his brother, his two best friends, my brother – who was the dj – my sister and my best friend) had assembled in a sort of half circle, belting it out at the top of our lungs. It was one of my favorite memories from that day.
I’d like to think that deep down inside of us all, there’s just a small town girl who’s living in a lonely world.
Yay! Five Things Friday!
Sticking with what is apparently my theme de jour this week for Five Things Friday – death. As The Husband so lovingly told me yesterday, I’m “neurotic”. If trying to be prepared for every possible outcome in every possible situation makes me “neurotic” then, fine. I’m neurotic. But I’ll never choke to death on a Jolly Rancher while driving, that’s for sure!
Five Ways I’m Positive I Will/Could Die
I’ll never suck on any candies while driving. I’m concerned with choking if I’m sitting on my couch with a cough drop. I definitely can’t be trusted not to kill myself while alone in a car. Although I never even eat candies while driving, I sometimes try to create a game plan of what I would do IF I were choking on a hard candy. My train of thought: “Would I pull over and run to the middle of the road, doing the universal sign for choking and hope that another motorist will stop and help me? Would I stop and help someone doing the universal sign for choking? Hmm. Should I try to give myself a pseudo-Heimlich on one of the mile marker signs? NEVER EAT HARD CANDIES ALONE, HEATHER!”
4. Driving into a body of water, getting trapped in my car and drowning
This is especially high up on the list now that we live in a neighborhood where I have to drive around a (small-ish) lake every day. I know it’s going to happen. I’m so convinced that I even have the tool that breaks open a car window and slices your seat belt. It’s a convenient key chain thing. Guess where it is. If you guessed in my kitchen junk drawer, you’re right. If you followed up your guess with a “… and every day, when you’re driving around the lake, you tell yourself you’re going to put it on your keys the second you get home and then, when you don’t die, you forget,” you get double points for being right.
3. In a gas explosion
We have an electric flattop stove, thank goodness. I can’t handle gas appliances. When I’m in a home with a gas stove, I just KNOW that it’s slowly leaking gas, just WAITING for someone to say “Oooo! We should light aaaalllll the Yankee candles!” Boom. Dead. I also will not light our grill to barbecue. That’s The Husband’s job. I am very confident he will NOT blow us up. I will not say the same thing for myself. Also, when I was 19, my car started on fire with me and my sister in it. Obvs, we got out but then we got to stand there and watch it explode ala a made-for-tv action movie. So, my gas explosion fear is not just restricted to household appliances. (Typing this, it seems that I would have a driving phobia, but strangely enough, I do not. God works in mysterious ways.)
2. Brain aneurysm
Whenever I have a headache, I resign myself to the fact that my time has come. I’m going to be outside walking Bumble and then, bam! Dead on the ground. Or, I’ll be inside, putting a pot of water on the stove to boil and then, bam! Dead on the floor. Poor, poor Jason. I’m pretty certain he’s going to walk in to his beautiful wife dead on the ground someday. Thems the breaks, I guess.
1. Being kidnapped and murdered
While the other ones fluctuate, this is a staple in my daily life. I blame it on watching far too many soap operas and Lifetime movies at an impressionable age. Every day I take the dog for a walk, on the exact same route, and every day, I like to text someone when I’m leaving and then I let them know I’m not dead when I get home. When I used to take night classes in college, I’d text Jason when I was walking out of the classroom and then I’d call him once I was in my car with the doors safely locked. If Jason goes away for a night – forget about it. I hope our last kiss was a nice once, because a robber is most definitely going to break into our house the ONE NIGHT he’s not home. I know it is partially my fault, because I am so beautiful and so kidnap-worthy-looking. Also, I can barely carry a gallon of milk from the trunk to our kitchen, so I most definitely will not fight off an attacker. Whenever I am walking alone, whether it is in a mall parking lot or at the library, I am sure to make eye contact with
every man any potential kidnapper. I am especially diligent at the gas station, because that is where I’m pretty positive it will go down.
There are several other ways I assume I will die (cancer, trapped in a fire, carbon monoxide poisoning, being buried alive, horrific car accident, etc.) but this is called FIVE things Friday, not All The Things Friday, so I’ll leave you with those.
So, yeah! Five Things Friday! On that cheery note, happy weekend suckas!
Guess what, guys! I remembered Five Things Friday! Aren’t you excited?! I bet you’ve been waiting all day for this, Reader. Thanks a bunch! I appreciate your loyalty.
This week, get ready for … drum rooolllllll …
Five Things I Waste All My Moneys On
1. Nail Polish
Ya’ll know this. I’m not positive, but I believe I have close to 200. “Heather! If you’re spending an average of $8 per polish xs 200 polishes … well … that’s a big math number!” you say. And you’d be correct. But, before you assume that I have spent five times the amount of money on polishes than I did on my first car – let’s settle down. I (almost) always buy polishes on clearance. And I get a ton as gifts. And, also, it’s my business how I spend my $20 of allowance money we give ourselves each week so DON’T JUDGE ME.
God, I love snacks. Chips and dip are my jam. And, when the weather goes from 30* and miserable to 70* and sunny, I crave ice cream the same way Lindsay Lohan craves her … um … all the drugs and alcohol. I think I’ve mentioned before that I base how much I eat at dinner on what I have as an available snack option for the evening. And I like to have several. A girl needs to keep her options opened.
3. Library Fines
I’m so thrifty and eco-friendly and save so much money by going to the library weekly, rather than buying every book I want to read. Except, I rarely return the book on time. It’s not on purpose. I promise. I truly respect the library and their rules. Except for the rule where if you return a book on Sunday, when they’re closed, then you’ll get charged an EXTRA late fee because it won’t be checked back in until Monday and it was actually due Friday so why didn’t you return it then or even on Saturday, you selfish library patron?! Except for that rule.
“Heather, Target is a store, not a thing you can buy. How do you waste money ON Target, Heather?” you ask. I’ll tell you how. You simply walk into Target with the intention of buying a bag of cat food or maybe a pair of flip flops. You then fall under the spell that Target puts on all of its customers, and proceed to check-out with two new blankets, some scotch tape, light bulbs, headbands, a nail polish (re: #1), a dog toy and an ice cream scoop. Then, go over to the Target Café and buy popcorn and an Icee. Cross your fingers that you’re not at a Target Café that only has a Starbucks and NOT the popcorn. That’s the worst. Go out to your car, put everything in the trunk and realize you forgot the cat food. Go back inside, buy the cat food and, also, a new wallet.
Why is it so expensive? How am I going to keep driving to Target if I have to PAY my car to drive me there? How will I get the new Essie collection? Why aren’t we teleporting places yet?
Yay! Five Things Friday! The end!
I recently saw another blog do a Five Things Friday feature. Five things I blank. Five things I last ate. Five books I want to read. You’re smart, Reader. You get it. Because I am out of original ideas today, I’m totally stealing that. I probably will not remember to do it next Friday, so cherish this.
The five last things in my Google image search history
1. Ryan Gosling shirtless:
Now, it seems pretty self-explanatory why any woman would want to search this. However, I was doing it to prove my point. Over dinner the other night, as most of our conversations usually go, The Husband and I debated Ryan Gosling’s body. Jason thought he was super cut-up and in-shape, I thought that other than in “Crazy Stupid Love”, he had a pretty average-dude body. Jason was pleasantly surprised to see that I was right. Although attractive, The Gosling is not in super-human shape.
Me to Jason: “Does this make you feel better about yourself? Is this like how I feel when I see Mila Kunis without make-up on??”
2. Mila Kunis no makeup:
I mean, this search was pretty obvious. If you’re a woman and feeling down on yourself, Google that and instantly feel better. Now, I think Mila is one of the hottest ladies alive. However, without makeup, I don’t think she’s much different than me.
Me: “Well, face-wise, anyways. Face-wise. We’re the same. She still has a smokin’ hot body. Well, actually my boobs are bigger. She has small yabbos. But I bet Max LOVES her yabbos.” (Hocus Pocus reference for those who are unfamiliar)
3. Mila Kunis yabbos:
Jason: How do you spell “yabbos”? No, Google. That’s Mila Kunis in a sweater. Mila Kunis on a magazine cover. I said yabbos. Yabbos!”
Me: Maybe only Max Denison knows what yabbos means. Maybe Google only knows “boobs”.
4. Mila Kunis boobs
I’m pretty sure you saw this one coming. This search confirmed that –
Jason: Oh yeah. You’re right. She does have small boobs.
Me: Yeah, but she really loves those little guys. She shows them in every movie. But if I had her body, I’d be naked all the time, too. Good point.
Because then the conversation was done and I had to paint my nails and I never commit to a color without first googling a swatch of it.
Five things Friday! The end!