I know how much you love to read about the pillow talk between me and my husband, you little voyeur. What? Is that not the right word? Oh wells. Sticking with it. Last night, we had a good one. Pillow talk, that is. So funny that I was in tears, actually. Because I think it was so hilarious, I’m assuming you’ll think it’s dumb or you won’t get it. That’s fine. I’d just like to have it for my records, to someday remind my husband that he told his imaginary therapist (whom I invented) that he thought I was smart. It’s on record.

ukulele guitar string instruments banjo

Google is telling me that one of these is a ukulele. It is DEFINITELY not one of the middle three.

The scene: We were just getting settled in bed. Jay was playing a game on his phone. I was bored.

Me: Do you think I’m smart?

Jay: Yup.

Me: But, do you just think I’m average or would you say I’m above average intelligence?

Jay: (mostly ignoring me) Above.

Me: So, say you sit down with a therapist for the first time and he says, “Tell me about your wife.” What would you say?

Jay: I’d say that you’re very smart. Above average smart.

Me: Aw, that’s so nice of you. Thanks for thinking I’m smart.

::Fast forward five minutes. Jay sits up on the edge of the bed, and I began snapping the top of his boxers::

Me: Look! I’m pretending to play that instrument that you pluck with your fingers!

Jay: ::pushing me away from him:: Uuuuum, a guitar?

Me: No! Not a guitar. Gosh. I know what a guitar is. A mini guitar. You know. A mini banjo.

Jay: Nope. I don’t know.

Me: You know mini banjos? Like the kind they play around a campfire at the beach, with no shoes on?

Jay: Nope.

Me: Jay! You know! Like in Hawaii?

Jay: Soooo you don’t mean a campfire with your friends? You mean a campfire in Hawaii? … You mean a ukulele?

hawaiian wooden flute music

He is NOT playing a ukulele.

Me: Yeah! I think so! Wait. Is that the mini banjo or is that the wooden flute they play?

Jay: Are you being serious right now? The wooden flute that WHO plays? You’re not being serious. There is no “mini banjo”.

Me: Yes! Like, in order of size, it goes guitar, banjo, mini-banjo aka ukulele. Right? So a ukulele is a mini banjo, not the wooden flute?

Jay: No. I just … no. Are you pretending to be dumb or is this serious? Why do you keep saying wooden flute?

Me: I’m serious! Also, you can only play the mini banjo –

Jay: – ukulele.

Me: .. the mini banjo in Hawaii, correct? Regular sized people can’t play that. Their fingers are too big.

Jay: Still nope. That is also incorrect. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I’m beginning to rethink what I’d tell my therapist.