Go ahead. Read and revere everything I write. I do.

Monthly Archives: June 2013

I knew that headline would catch your eye.

I’m too lazy tired to do Five Things Friday. I know. You’re devastated. But why should I waste time putting creative energy towards a piece when the New York Times just handed me this gem:

bird sex bird penises

I’m DYING at this headline and the whole article. You need to stop what you’re doing and read it. Guys, some birds have penises that grow to SPECTACULAR lengths. Like, what are we talking here? Are we talking “pleasant surprise”? Are we talking “in-over-my-head big”? Is it “in-over-my-head big”? (Quote from my favorite movie, Love & Sex)

surprised meme

And even though I know you’ll follow my instructions and read the whole thing, I’m still going to show you some of my favorite parts:

“Patricia Brennan, an expert on bird genitalia at the University of Massachusetts…” <– what?! Patricia must be a blast at parties. I bet her parents got called in for a parent-teacher conference the day she wrote her “What I Want To Be When I Grow Up” thematic essay.

“Male birds that lack a penis have an opening known as a cloaca. To mate, a male bird presses his cloaca against a female’s, so that his sperm can flow into her body.” <– I could have lived my life without that visual.

“For some reason, male birds with smaller penises had more offspring than other birds. Why is still a matter of debate.” <– It’s not the size of the boat. It’s the motion in the ocean.

Science, guys.

Ok, if those gems aren’t enough to encourage you to read this article and make you laugh, then I don’t know what it takes in life to make you happy. You should probably just drink heavily.