Apparently, the garbage men in my neighborhood were hung over or lazy yesterday, because as I walked Bumble, I noticed food and garbage all over the place. Unfortunately, Bumble noticed this, too. We went from “nice afternoon walk” to “walking Templeton through the fairgrounds”.

Of course, that analogy caused me to sing “Zuckerman’s Famous Pig” all night long. In between verses, I started to mentally dissect Charlotte’s Web.

(… after we watched this version, in SPANISH. You’re welcome.)

Now, let me tell you – Charlotte’s Web is one of my all-time favorites. It was the first book that made me cry. It was also the first book which I read more than once. Nuttin’ but love for Charlotte and her gang of misfits.


When Uncle Homer and his farmhand, Lurvy (I don’t trust anyone named Lurvy, I think), come out to the barn and see the words “Some Pig” written IN A SPIDERWEB, why did they focus on the pig and not the seemingly literate spider that created the web? Was Wilbur cute? Sure. Did he jump and squeal and do tons of adorable piglet things in an attempt to get himself off the chopping block and into Homer’s good graces? Of course. But did he suddenly develop the ability to both spell AND build spider webs? No. Also, as soon as the spiderweb starts to break and fade away, so does their interest. Why?! Why are you no longer interested in a spider that can spell? Why is nobody concerned with the spider? Why?!

Fern’s parents become worried that she is spending too much time at the barn. Which would be an understandable concern, if you lived in a metropolis. But you don’t. You live on a farm. Next to more farms. What exactly do they want her to do? Because, I get it. I grew up in farm country. Not a whole lot going on. If you’re concerned with the amount of time Fern is spending with barnyard animals, maybe think about relocating to a place where she can thrive socially. Just a suggestion.

templeton fair one job Charlottes WebRemember when Templeton gets drunk at the fair and floats in the bubble? When he discovers that a fair is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord? You had one job, Templeton. Go to the fair and bring Charlotte back some words (SN while typing – if Charlotte knows the definition of all these words, which is implied as she is the one who defines them to the rest of the animals, then why does she need Templeton to scrounge up ads with words on them in the first place? Come up with your own words, Charlotte!). But seriously, Templeton. If eating garbage is causing you to have psychedelic hallucinations of exploding watermelon and popcorn that defies gravity – maybe you should stop eating the garbage.

My last pet peeve is when Wilbur meets three of Charlotte’s daughters.

Daughter #2: What was my mother’s middle initial?

Wilbur: “A”

Daughter #2: Then, my name is ‘Aranea’.

Aranea? Bitch, please. You’ve been alive for literally 14 seconds and that’s the FIRST NAME you think of? I call shenanigans. I get that it’s a genus of a common spider. However, I doubt that she was born with that knowledge.

Although, good point. Apparently Charlotte was fluent in the English language, so who knows what skills spiders are born with, really?