Sticking with what is apparently my theme de jour this week for Five Things Friday – death. As The Husband so lovingly told me yesterday, I’m “neurotic”. If trying to be prepared for every possible outcome in every possible situation makes me “neurotic” then, fine. I’m neurotic. But I’ll never choke to death on a Jolly Rancher while driving, that’s for sure!

Five Ways I’m Positive I Will/Could Die

universal choking sign5. Choking to death on a hard candy while driving

I’ll never suck on any candies while driving. I’m concerned with choking if I’m sitting on my couch with a cough drop. I definitely can’t be trusted not to kill myself while alone in a car. Although I never even eat candies while driving, I sometimes try to create a game plan of what I would do IF I were choking on a hard candy.  My train of thought: “Would I pull over and run to the middle of the road, doing the universal sign for choking and hope that another motorist will stop and help me? Would I stop and help someone doing the universal sign for choking? Hmm. Should I try to give myself a pseudo-Heimlich on one of the mile marker signs? NEVER EAT HARD CANDIES ALONE, HEATHER!”

4. Driving into a body of water, getting trapped in my car and drowning

This is especially high up on the list now that we live in a neighborhood where I have to drive around a (small-ish) lake every day. I know it’s going to happen. I’m so convinced that I even have the tool that breaks open a car window and slices your seat belt. It’s a convenient key chain thing. Guess where it is. If you guessed in my kitchen junk drawer, you’re right. If you followed up your guess with a “… and every day, when you’re driving around the lake, you tell yourself you’re going to put it on your keys the second you get home and then, when you don’t die, you forget,” you get double points for being right.

gas explosion

How I envision every gas explosion

3. In a gas explosion

We have an electric flattop stove, thank goodness. I can’t handle gas appliances. When I’m in a home with a gas stove, I just KNOW that it’s slowly leaking gas, just WAITING for someone to say “Oooo! We should light aaaalllll the Yankee candles!” Boom. Dead. I also will not light our grill to barbecue. That’s The Husband’s job. I am very confident he will NOT blow us up. I will not say the same thing for myself. Also, when I was 19, my car started on fire with me and my sister in it. Obvs, we got out but then we got to stand there and watch it explode ala a made-for-tv action movie. So, my gas explosion fear is not just restricted to household appliances. (Typing this, it seems that I would have a driving phobia, but strangely enough, I do not. God works in mysterious ways.)

2. Brain aneurysm

Whenever I have a headache, I resign myself to the fact that my time has come. I’m going to be outside walking Bumble and then, bam! Dead on the ground. Or, I’ll be inside, putting a pot of water on the stove to boil and then, bam! Dead on the floor. Poor, poor Jason. I’m pretty certain he’s going to walk in to his beautiful wife dead on the ground someday. Thems the breaks, I guess.

1. Being kidnapped and murdered

While the other ones fluctuate, this is a staple in my daily life. I blame it on watching far too many soap operas and Lifetime movies at an impressionable age. Every day I take the dog for a walk, on the exact same route, and every day, I like to text someone when I’m leaving and then I let them know I’m not dead when I get home. When I used to take night classes in college, I’d text Jason when I was walking out of the classroom and then I’d call him once I was in my car with the doors safely locked. If Jason goes away for a night – forget about it. I hope our last kiss was a nice once, because a robber is most definitely going to break into our house the ONE NIGHT he’s not home. I know it is partially my fault, because I am so beautiful and so kidnap-worthy-looking. Also, I can barely carry a gallon of milk from the trunk to our kitchen, so I most definitely will not fight off an attacker. Whenever I am walking alone, whether it is in a mall parking lot or at the library, I am sure to make eye contact with every man any potential kidnapper. I am especially diligent at the gas station, because that is where I’m pretty positive it will go down.

There are several other ways I assume I will die (cancer, trapped in a fire, carbon monoxide poisoning, being buried alive, horrific car accident, etc.) but this is called FIVE things Friday, not All The Things Friday, so I’ll leave you with those.

So, yeah! Five Things Friday! On that cheery note, happy weekend suckas!

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