Yesterday at dinner, my sister yelled at me for teasing her with a second blog post that never was. I reminded her that I WARNED my readers that I would probably flake out and forget. NOBODY CAN BE MAD AT ME FOR THAT.
Anyways, the other night The Husband and I went out to dinner. Besides us, there were only three other tables with patrons – all of them a dad alone with a kid. “Is this divorced dad night?” I asked. He didn’t know the answer. I told him that I hope that he’s never a divorced dad and he said he wouldn’t be.
Me: “Oh, because when you get sick of me, you’ll just kill me, huh?”**
Me: “How will you kill me?”
Jason: “Why would I tell you that? A murderer doesn’t tell how he plans to kill someone. Then you can go to the cops and ruin everything.”
Me: “I won’t tell anyone. I just want to know. I hate surprises. I don’t want to be surprised right before death. How are you going to kill me?”
Jason: “I’m not. Let’s end this conversation.”
Me: “But if you haaaaaaad to kill me, how would you do it? I don’t want it to be anything painful, ok? I just want to ease into death. So no slicing or shooting or anything.”
Me: “So let’s just figure out how you’re going to do it so that we can all move on with our lives.”
Jason: ::ignoring me and eating::
Me: “Ooo, I know! You could take me out to dinner and poison me. Then, they’ll suspect the restaurant and not you. Ooo, but good point. If we’re on the brink of divorce, why are we going out to dinner?”
Jason: “One last shot at reconciliation?”
Me: “Yup! Ok, now what are you going to use to poison me?”
Jason: “I don’t know. Rat poison?”
Me: “What? C’mon now. This isn’t a cartoon. I’ll never eat something with rat poison in it. You can definitely taste rat poison, I bet. Ooo, I know. You should use my own pills against me. Everyone knows I pop pills like candy. You should manipulate some of my sleeping pills and it’ll look like an overdose. Ooo, ok. This is good. That way, I’ll just fall into a gentle sleep. So you’ll kill me like that then, right?”
So guys, if I die from a seemingly accidental overdose, please show this to the police. And then, show the police the rest of the blog, so that Jason doesn’t get into too much trouble. He did it by reason of insanity.
** I’d like to note that I don’t actually think my husband will murder me. Although, I bet all murdered wives say that before they’re murdered. But, definitely, definitely not Jason. He actually has a much higher level of tolerance for my craziness than I would if it were the other way around. This is not a cry for help. A vivid imagination? Sure. But definitely not a cry for help. Nobody is hurting me in my home. ^^
^^Jason made me say this. ##
## Just kidding.