Growing up, The Wizard of Oz was a favorite in our family. My sister and I would watch it every day. Every. Day. We’d act. We’d sing. We were Donny and Marie, but without all the weird, incestual tension. Eventually, I had to give up my daily performance of Dorothy, as the law said it was necessary for me to begin my academic career. However, my sister was a great understudy, and quickly made the role her own. She took her performance of Ms. Gale to a new level – braiding her hair every day, costume changes and the purchase of a Toto-esque stuffed dog, whom she carried around in a basket.

So, you can understand how, whenever Oz is on tv, Sara and I must watch.

It was on last night and, I have to say, it didn’t stir those familiar pangs of nostalgia. Instead, it created several questions, most of which neither Sara or I had an answer for.

First of all  – the miserable Miss Gulch (Aunt Em may be too much of a Christian woman to say it, but I’m not. Homegirl is a bitch! I don’t know how she can even ride her bike, with that stick so far up her butt!) takes Toto. Toto returns. Then, 16 year old Dorothy’s natural reaction is to runaway from home? Runaway where, Dorothy?! You live on a damn farm in Kansas. Where are you going? And what did you put in that briefcase that you’re pawning off as a suitcase? You only have one good dress, and you’re wearing it. You didn’t even pack Toto any food.

Then, you come across what is essentially a large van, owned by someone who calls himself Professor Marvel. You then. Enter. The. Van. Again, I know that you live in a small town. But what about this appears safe to you? Obviously, Aunt Em is spending too much time writing about Elmira Gulch in her diary and NOT enough time teaching you about stranger danger.

Dorothy spins around in that house for who knows how long, and she’s not even a LITTLE dizzy when she stands? Toto is fine, too?

Glinda is a selfish bitch. She uses Dorothy to do her bidding. She knows all along how to get the poor girl home. Don’t even play, Glinda.

The people of Oz are sure quick to celebrate a murder. And, Mr. Coroner, can you please tell me how you thoroughly examined a body that is squished under a house? The Husband said that he watches CSI and sometimes they use ultrasounds, but I am skeptical that is what happened in Munchkin Land.

The Scarecrow doesn’t have a brain. Yet, not only is he NOT comatose, but he’s able to sing and dance amuck? “I’ll show you how to get some apples,” he whispers to Dorothy as he provokes and teases the trees until they throw apples at the duo. As The Husband said – “Damn. For someone who doesn’t have a brain, that’s some deductive reasoning skills he has.”

I still like the part during Tin Man’s song where the girl’s voice says “Where for art thou, Romeo?” He hears a beat. How sweet.

Text from Sara last night when we first meet Tin Man: “Everyone knows Tin Man is the sexiest. I’d oil HIS joints aaalll day loooong. Wink face.”

Look at those eyes. Dream boat.

Why does nobody pay attention to where Toto is? When the trio hits the forest, Tinman nonchalantly mentions all the veracious animals lurking in the shadows. First of all, Scarecrow, why are you scared of lions, tigers or bears? He didn’t say “horses”. Pretty sure you’re safe. Secondly, Dorothy – don’t you think you should gather up, oh, I don’t know, your tiny, delicious-to-carnivorous-animals dog? Where is Toto, Dorothy? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! He’s sitting down in the middle of the damn yellow brick road, while you’re hiding behind a tree (awesome hiding spot, b.t.dub. NOBODY could find you there!)

They (the establishment. The man.) want you to think Dorothy is this innocent farm girl, but the second she gets a taste of the good life (at the beauty shop) she asks “Can you even dye my eyes to match my gown?!” Wow, Dorothy. Did your deep conditioning treatment wash away all of your morals and self-esteem, too? Who are you trying to impress? Hot damn!

Also, let’s take a moment to contemplate a day in the life of the people of Oz, which is described to us in the lyrics they sing. “Get up at 12 and start to work at 1. Take an hour for lunch, and then at 2 we’re done. Jolly good fun!” Heck yeah, that’s fun. I want to work there. Just laughing the day away in the merry, old land of Oz. All of the ladies at the Wash & Brush-Up Co are very pretty and well dressed, so they’re getting paid somehow. (Which may give an alternate meaning to what they sing to the fellas – “A pat, pat here and a pat, pat there … a rub, rub here and a rub, rub there…”)

Why don’t you just surrender Dorothy? She’s nothing to you. Why risk upsetting your lavish lifestyle by inflicting the wrath of The Wicked Witch?

I like how Scarecrow earns an honorary degree, just like celebrities who did nothing to work for it. And anyone who’s anyone knows (from watching tv shows on Wizard of Oz trivia. Not from schooling.) that you did NOT recite the Pythagorean Theorem correctly. (“Um, I know Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.” Sorry. Wrong movie.)

How come when Dorothy arrives in Oz, it is obvious that she notices all the color, but when she wakes up in Kansas, she happily accepts her life of sepia?

Dorothy would love Instagram.

This awesome designer, Jordan Roland, gave the people of Oz a hipster makeover. Love!

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