Go ahead. Read and revere everything I write. I do.

Monthly Archives: August 2012

I wanted to title this “Inventions That Live In My Brain and Aren’t Yet Real But Someone Should Create Them” but decided that was entirely too long of a blog post title. And, after all, I keep your best interests at heart and know that your best interest is to get straight to the point, rather than the rambling that would have happened in that post title. Much like the rambling in this first paragraph.

Virtual Hair Styler

Guys, remember the awesome scene in Clueless when Cher stands in front of a computer screen, and flips through her entire wardrobe, mixing and matching until she ends up with that awesome yellow plaid jumper? Well, I want that, but for hair. My sister always does her hair so pretty. And she’s informed me that it’s creepy to say things like “I wish I could chop your hair off in your sleep and paste it to my head.” Also, I’m not sure that pasting someone’s hair to my head is going to help me achieve the look I’m going for. So I’d like someone to create a Jane Jetson meets Cher Horowitz type of machine, which does my hair for me every morning.

Miniature Morgan Freeman

The other night, as Jason was trying to sleep and I was bothering him (per our norm), I asked him how he pictured God and he replied with “Morgan Freeman.” Yup. That’s exactly right. So, wouldn’t it be precious if you could carry a teeny, tiny little Morgan Freeman around with you? And when you reach a crossroads, you could just take him out, put him on your shoulders and say “Mini Morgan Freeman, I need your guidance.” Naturally, this Mini Morgan Freeman will only lead you down the correct path, so there would never be a need to second guess his decision.


The reasons for this are obvious and are mostly inspired by my lack of motivation to get up, get dressed and then actually drive somewhere. In lieu of a teleporting machine, I will accept a pair of magic ruby slippers because, you know, same schtick.

A Calorie Sucker Outter

This also seems obvious. I like cupcakes. And french fries. And cheese. I would like to eat said items without any consequence. Or, very minimal consequence. I would also settle for a Half of the Calories Sucker Outter.

A credit card that rewards you for doing good deeds

Don’t be confused. I’m not talking about the program that already exists, where I spent seventeen million thousands of my dollars, and then Visa offers me a $10 Target gift card. I want a card that stays in my wallet all day. And, maybe I give someone one of my k-cups at work. And, also, maybe I call an elderly aunt to say hello. And then, when I’m in line to waste $8 on the latest in the Essie Nail Polish collection (Just throwing it out there that my birthday IS coming up and I AM VERY interested in obtaining the entire Essie Metallics Collection), the magic credit card will slide out of my wallet.

“Not only did you do the previously mentioned nice things, but you also let someone merge in traffic without grouching AND let someone borrow a pen with no intension of retrieving it back. You know what, Heather? This nail polish is on ME! No need to pay back on this one!”

“Gee whiz! Thanks Magic Card!” I would say..

Magic Credit Card would look like these Louboutins but, you know, a credit card. Also, if you’re super good, like Gandhi, you get these shoes.