I just read an article on Shine from Yahoo! titled 15 Very Good Reasons to NEVER Get Married. Being a newlywed (Have I mentioned that 470 times yet? No? Great.), I feel like I need to make my rebuttal on this article public.

1. Despite what everyone says, you LOVE the single life.

Ah, yes. The single life. Who doesn’t love suffering through plenty of awkward, boring first dates?

2. You know you have to share both the ice cream and the tv remote.

I have to beg my husband to go out for ice cream. I assure you, if there’s any floating around the house, when it gets consumed it will be by me and my own gluttony. As for the tv remote – clearly this author has never heard of DVR or instant online streaming.

Hey, handsome. You clean that reeeeaaall good.

3. You’ll have to boot Pablo the Pool Boy.

If we were fancy enough to have a pool and even fancier enough (that’s a thing, I bet) to have a pool boy, I doubt that my confident, handsome husband would have any problem with a (stereotypical) pool boy doing a chore that he wouldn’t want to do himself. I can’t even get him to commit to a 4-foot above ground pool. That’s how little he wants to take care of one. So if we could afford to pay someone to do it, I’m pretty sure he’d be ok with that.

4. You like to sleep across the whole bed.

I do this while married.

5. You can’t stand sharing your space, especially when you know that with marriage comes dude stuff – like that awful Bud Light sign.

A man considering marriage should never have a Bud Light sign, or any other beer related memorabilia, hanging on his walls. Your frat boy days are over, my friend. Embrace adulthood.

6. You know that colonies of dirty socks will follow you everywhere you go the moment you let a guy move in.

Unfortunately, I do not have a rebuttal for this, as it is very much true in our home. However, it did not prevent me from becoming his wife.

7. You’d rather be able to break it off and move on without having to involve the courts.

You should discuss your clear commitment and intimacy issues with your therapist at next week’s session. Or, you should have an honest talk with your potential spouse about all your outstanding warrants. They should then be able to understand your obvious need to avoid the court system.

8. Your toilet seat will NEVER be the same.

I don’t even know what this means. In nearly all of my encounters, the adult male (ages 25+) does not remind me of a wild animal. The majority of the time, they are, in fact, able to control their bodily waste and contain it within the previously designated area.

I wear the Purple Parrots t-shirt my sister got me with pride, Olmec.

9. You don’t want to have to answer to anyone – you can come and go as you please.

I don’t have to answer to anyone. Is it polite to let my husband know that I’m going to get my nails done or out to grab lunch with friends? Yup. But, the choices I make are mine, and mine alone, Olmec. Plus, who are we kidding? I don’t have many friends and him and I are going to lunch together soooo

10. Marriage = one person for the rest of your life. One person for the rest of your life = BORING.

This logic is correct if you consider loyalty, love, and unyielding companionship boring. Also, if you’d rather have awkward, just-go-ahead-and-get-the-lay-of-the-land-but-please-don’t-touch-me-there sex, as opposed to you-know-all-the-right-things-to-do-because-you-know-me-so-well-sex, then sure.

11. Marriage is expensive. So is divorce. You’d rather take the cash and travel around Europe for three years.

Our marriage license cost us $35. I can’t even fill up my gas tank with that sooooo good luck with your European adventure. Hope you’re prepared to sell your body in exchange for food.

12. Your main priority is climbing that corporate ladder and making yourself a success in your career.

My husband 100% supports all of my goals and loves my ambition. If I don’t climb the corporate ladder, how will we ever be able to afford a pool boy?

13. Getting a break on your taxes and car insurance, despite what they say, isn’t a reason to settle down.

If you have any friends who are considering marriage based solely on these reasons, you are correct to advise against it.

14. Marriage is an antiquated tradition, much like not allowing women to vote. Why bother with an institution that fails half the time?

That antiquated tradition of not allowing women to vote (at least here in the good old US of A, where you and your target audience live, author) ended nearly 100 years ago soooooooo. I think now you’re reaching.

My go-to dessert of choice, cupcakes from Fluffalicious. *Contrary to how it may seem, I am NOT a paid ambassador of Fluffalicious. They’re just sooo good.

15. You know that marriage = compromise. You don’t feel that you need to compromise everything to be with someone else.

When you find the *right* person to spend the rest of your life with, you don’t compromise everything. A spouse shouldn’t ask you to give up the things that make you YOU, and vice versa.  Do you sometimes have to eat pizza when really you wanted tacos? Yeah. Ok. But then you get to pick out dessert, go home and eat it on the couch while making your way through your DVR list as your spouse checks baseball scores on the computer and/or rubs your hair. See? Everyone wins.

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