crazy new momBefore having the baby, I was what some would call a “worry-wart.” And what my husband would call “bat-sh*t crazy neurotic.” Every day, I’m positive someone will die. I spend a lot of time making sure our pets are still breathing. They haven’t begged for food or got up to pee in an hour or so? Better call the vet. Something is definitely up.

Being a mother is pretty horrifying. Every day, your goal is to make sure that you don’t let your kid die. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell, right? That’s a lot of pressure. So, how do I know if I’m doing my job? Sure, she’s still breathing, but will she continue breathing for long?

Enter my Google search history. It’s the search history of a maniac. An utter maniac. I Google everything. Some legit, real, live, no exaggeration searches I have performed in the last month:

  • Can my baby breathe?
  • Is my baby going to suffocate?
  • Blankets on a newborn
  • Newborn poop
  • Yellow newborn poop
  • Watery newborn poop
  • Is my newborn latching correctly?
  • Poor latch examples
  • Can I drink coffee while breastfeeding?
  • How much coffee can you drink while breastfeeding?
  • How long should my baby breastfeed?
  • Is my newborn getting enough milk
  • Am I giving my newborn too much milk?
  • Cradle cap
  • Worries about foremilk
  • normal newborn poop color
  • how often does a one month old sleep
  • Is my baby sleeping too much
  • Is my newborn sleeping too little
  • Newborn gas
  • General Hospital recasting Jason (gots to stay up to date on my stories)
  • When can I take my baby out into public
  • Newborn spitting bubbles
  • How to help my baby fart
  • Why is my baby sticking out her tongue
  • Why is my newborn wheezing
  • Noises baby makes when breastfeeding correctly
  • noises babies make

new momYou get the idea. Pretty much, if Amelia blinks too much, I Google it. If I feel like she’s blinking less than she did one hour ago, I Google that.

I’d like to think that I’ll calm down on the Googling her certain impending death in the near future, but I’m sure the terms will just change to things like “death stats of children riding tricycles” and “Can a 9-year-old chew gum or will they choke?”

I think that when they discharge a new mom and her baby from the hospital, they should give the mom a prescription for Xanax.